Sorry to say…

I went back.

It’s been months since I’ve written in this blog.  When I started it, I was focused, and motivated.  I was taking the bull by the horns, and everything was going to be OK.  I was so sure of it, nothing could stop me.

Then life happened …travel, holiday breaks, a death in the family, a cancer scare, surgery and recovery then even more travel.  In the middle of it all, I lost focus and gave in to my addiction.

Although I had told myself it would never happen again, in moments of boredom, loneliness, frustration, and disappointment, I sought my drug of choice: gambling.

“You know better,” I told myself.  “Don’t do it,” I said.  But once the urge hit, the compulsion took over.  It felt unstoppable.  I foolishly believed that this time (like every other time) I would not only control my gambling, but that I would miraculously win back my losses.  Only in an imaginary world could this happen.

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Insanity/Alexander/Flickr/CC by-NC 2.0

The insanity of addiction is mind boggling.

  • I know I can’t gamble, ever again.
  • I know what the outcome will be loss and pain.
  • I know I’m hurting myself and those around me.  Gambling is poison.

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Carnival Spin/Stacie Morris/Flickr/CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Still I gambled.  Hurt.  Pain.  Loath.  Regret.

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Carnival!!!/Thouston6/Flickr/CC BY-SA 2.0

INSANITY.     INSANITY.     INSANITY.

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Carnival/Pascal Maramis/Flickr/CC BY 2.0

Insanity is wanting to do something and not do something so badly it hurts.  It is choosing to do things that hurt you and those you love.

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Exploding Planet/Alexis Breaux/Flickr/CC BY 2.0

 

 

Then the high is over and reality sets in.

 

 

 

 

I feel suffocated by the guilt.  Relapse feels like being buried under a ton of bricks.  The feeling is so awful I feel the only way to pay is with my life.  I am exponentially worse.

How can I dig out of this mess?

I whisper to the universe a plea for strength…”please, help me get off this path of destruction.”

 

 

featured image: dead rose(3)/Elery S.Oxford/Flickr/CC By 2.0
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3 comments

  1. The question is, are you really done?
    When you’re out of options, that’s when you’re willing to give it up. As long as you entertain ideas that you can game the system, you’re truly and deeply f***ed. I recommend you get done and real fast.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting bgddyjim. I AM DONE. I know it’s not going to be easy. Enough is enough.

      I have 2 little boys who need me at my best. I need me at my best. Life will be so much better, happier, and clearer living gambling free.

      Best wishes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

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