I went back.

It’s been months since I’ve written in this blog.  When I started it, I was focused, and motivated.  I was taking the bull by the horns, and everything was going to be OK.  I was so sure of it, nothing could stop me.

Then life happened …travel, holiday breaks, a death in the family, a cancer scare, surgery and recovery then even more travel.  In the middle of it all, I lost focus and gave in to my addiction.

Although I had told myself it would never happen again, in moments of boredom, loneliness, frustration, and disappointment, I sought my drug of choice: gambling.

“You know better,” I told myself.  “Don’t do it,” I said.  But once the urge hit, the compulsion took over.  It felt unstoppable.  I foolishly believed that this time (like every other time) I would not only control my gambling, but that I would miraculously win back my losses.  Only in an imaginary world could this happen.

Insanity/Alexander/Flickr/CC by-NC 2.0

The insanity of addiction is mind boggling.

Carnival Ride/Sam Cox/Flickr/CC by-NC 2.0

• I know I can’t gamble, ever again.
• I know what the outcome will be loss and pain.
• I know I’m hurting myself and those around me.  Gambling is poison.

Carnival Spin/Stacie Morris/Flickr/CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Still I gambled.  Hurt.  Pain.  Loath.  Regret.

Carnival!!!/Thouston6/Flickr/CC BY-SA 2.0

INSANITY.     INSANITY.     INSANITY.

Carnival/Pascal Maramis/Flickr/CC BY 2.0

Insanity is wanting to do something and not do something so badly it hurts.  It is choosing to do things that hurt you and those you love.

Exploding Planet/Alexis Breaux/Flickr/CC BY 2.0

Then the high is over and reality sets in.

I feel suffocated by the guilt.  Relapse feels like being buried under a ton of bricks.  The feeling is so awful I feel the only way to pay is with my life.  I am exponentially worse.

How can I dig out of this mess?

I whisper to the universe a plea for strength…”please, help me get off this path of destruction.”

featured image: dead rose(3)/Elery S.Oxford/Flickr/CC By 2.0