Day 1 of Recovery – Oh how I wish I could turn back time…

I have everything I’ve ever wanted.  A gentle kind soul for a husband and two beautiful children.  My little ones are both under 3 years old.  I want to cry just thinking about them and how much I’ve hurt them.  I should be happy and content.  I should be laying in bed sleeping peacefully at 3:00AM , except I’m not.  I can’t because I can’t shake off the feelings of remorse and regret.

sad-silhouette-1429626FreeImages.com/ Glenda Otero

I betrayed them.  I lied to them.  I disappointed them.  I have not been the mother and wife I’ve always wanted to be… that I could be.  I am filled with feelings of hate and disgust for myself.  I broke our bond by putting my selfishness and greed first.

I am a compulsive gambler, and I hate it.  Gambling controls me, even though I don’t want it to.  Gambling has ruined me… the inner me, the good me.  It has killed my joy and my conscience.  I walk around with a mask on my face and a shadow over my life.  I want it to end.  I wish I had never stepped foot into a casino.  I wish I would have told my friend “NO” when she asked me to accompany her to play some slots that day she was bored.  I wish I had never stepped into this maddening world that would take over my life.

Through the tears I look at the clock…it is now 4:04AM.  I can hear my little one’s slumberous breathing in the silence of the night.  They sound like angels.  My little angels. They deserve the best…a mommy that isn’t sick.  A mom who will do anything to right her wrongs.

Yes.  I will be whole again.

I will look at them with out the shadow of guilt in my eyes.

This is the beginning of my journey to a gambling free life. August 10th 2016 marks the beginning of my path to redemption and happiness. I make a commitment to myself, my family, and the world to remain gambling free. Please read my story in detail, and follow and support my journey to educate others about addiction and gambling, make amends, and above all find my true self again.

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you today.

 

featured image: CC by 2.0 Flickr/John D.: https://flic.kr/p/G2bDLG

2 comments

  1. Good for you I’ve just begun my recovery even though I’ve known for quite awhile I’m a compulsive gambler I’ve lost a lot and lost family but I’m committed to get better because this sickness will kill me so I just wanted to tell u I understand how you feel and I’m happy for u and myself to want to heal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sarah, thank you for your comment. I hope you are on your road to recovery. Sadly, I fell off the bandwagon. It is why I hadn’t replied until now. I feel awful for having done so. The only thing that is helping me cope right now coming back to this blog. Best wishes for you and a gambling free life.

      Like

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